Archie Hopper: He was a Bug. Now he’s a Man. What did the Blue Fairy ever give you, Archie? Oh that’s right — a sweater vest and an umbrella! Advantage Regina.
The Dwarves: Ask the people who lose a limb mining or contract black lung how much they enjoy the mining lifestyle. Swear fealty to Snow all you want, but life expectancy is better in Storybrooke.
Dr. Whale: We don’t know his identity yet. But hitting on nuns, sleeping with Snow White and trying to goad the Evil Queen into dominating you is swag.
Mr. Gold: Seriously, his skin was made out of peeling golden fish scales! Proactiv cleared that shit right up. Regina says you’re welcome.
Emma Swan: Haven’t we seen enough Disney movies to know what awaited Emma once she reached marriageable age? Frogs. Shrek. The Beast. Gaston. John Smith and his Small Pox.
Isn’t it better to kiss the Irish sheriff and have eye sex with your son’s mother? We thought so too, dear.
Red Riding Hood: She used to eat people every month if she left her jacket at home. In Storybrooke, the most that would happen is getting cold.